Did you plan on your life being one way? Maybe the easy way? Have there been bumps and turns and unexpected curves? What's been your journey? Where did it land you? Would you trade it, would you change it? What have you done with it? Many have been gracious and commented on the.moments I seem to capture and hold on to. They are right ~ I do. Because, there was a night...I spent alone. But:: not lonely. That wasn't where my journey began, only the night my FAITH brought me to my knees.
Our journey began YEARS before :: when my husband, Joel, and I, decided to try to conceive. I have documented those first months, some of the pain and loss HERE. I plan to finish writing our entire journey on my blog, but for today am skipping to and speaking on the FAITH I found.
I am very VERY strong willed. I wanted a baby more than ANYthing. And I was determined to have one. In many ways, achieving pregnancy became an obsession. I read every.thing there was on infertility. I compared my blood work, ultrasounds and even IVF embryos to the next person's. Trying to figure it out. Find that missing link. I like to fix things. I needed to fix this.
Those years were to date, the lowest time in my life. I stopped attending church services. Not because I turned from the Church :: but because it was too emotional. I couldn't sit there and listen, without hearing each phrase directed at me and my situation. It was all I could do to not break down right there on the pew. My husband knew this. He knew my broken heart. Joel is the one that witnessed my tears. Agonizing cries of, "WHY?" Why them? Why not me? Why not now? Why? Why? Why? God knew too. He watched His child suffer. Because He had a plan. While sometimes, we in the flesh have to walk on the water to get where we are going ~ we do get there. And God in all His glory is there to catch us.
You see, for years I proclaimed my FAITH in Jesus. That I trusted Him. That all things would come in HIS time. But I lived daily in DIRECT CONTRAST to that. Doing EVERYthing in my power. Placing so much trust and faith in doctors. To have the family I wanted. After years of trying to conceive. Miscarriage. Surgeries. IntraUterineInseminations. InVitroFertilization. Spending every penny we had. Preparing to journey cross.country to the "best" doctor in the field ... Something someone said stopped me in my tracks. WOKE.ME.UP.
I was in the midst of the pre.limary work up to have IVF with one of the worlds best infertility doctors. (Told you I was determined.) I was to travel to New York and stay for weeks during the procedure. This doctor had told me that I, "WOULD NEVER HAVE A LIVE BIRTH FROM A CHILD WE HAD CONCEIVED ON OUR OWN. NEVER." He was going to help me. I put my money and my faith in him, the doctor. By sheer coincidence, before I was to leave, I met someone that had been treated by this same doctor. She said to me of him, "He gave us our baby. He is god to us." Whoa. Wait a minute. Stop! What? It hit me ~ my faith had been placed in men and myself. Not THE ONLY TRUE PHYSICIAN.
That night, alone in my room. I went down on my knees. This time begging for the Father to hold me. To help me. To specifically make me better. By stopping the constant WANT. The agonizing PAIN. To allow me to be HAPPY. Whatever His plan for my life, that He would show me and I would graciously accept and be unbelievably grateful for that. That night I cried myself to sleep. Wrapped in the arms of Jesus.
I did not go to New York. I did not place my faith in the man that others had considered their god. I worked daily to honestly place MY FAITH in MY GOD. And by Him. With His grace ... SIX months later, on Thanksgiving Day :: we would find out we were naturally expecting twins. I would deliver (live birth, conceived on our own) one of those babies, a son. FIVE months later I would miscarry naturally conceived triplets. TWO years later I would deliver (live birth, conceived on our own) a second son. EIGHTEEN months more later, I would once again deliver, live birth, conceived on our own, a daughter. We are so blessed. And I give HIM all the glory. These aren't my children :: they are HIS. I will lift them up all the days of my life. So yes, I adore my babies. I make every.moment count. My FAITH got me here. I am so glad to share that FAITH with you.
What He had planned for my life. May not be what He plans for your life. But through having FAITH in him. You'll have the life you were intended. Embrace what.ever that life may be. I KNOW that some.times it's hard. But love it. Love it good. Use it as a platform. Reach out to others. And when you do reach out :: make sure you ARE TOUCHING OTHERS through your FAITH in HIM. Pin It
Great post.
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